The Psychology of the No Contact Rule
In this video, Coach Lee explains the psychology behind the no contact rule when used after a breakup to get your ex back.
This video may be watched on Youtube at
“Psychology of the No Contact Rule.”
After a breakup, Lee has often talked about ceasing contact with your ex. That is often referred to as the No Contact Rule and someone using it would not initiate communication of any kind with the person who broke up with them.
People often wonder how this impacts the person who did the dumping and if it is effective to re-attract that person.
Some people would not want their ex back in such a situation. Some people believe that “an ex is an ex for a reason,” and they certainly have the right to feel that way. Many times someone in that situation experiences the person who dumped them reaching out and wanting to get back together with them.
Why did that person reach out? It’s because when someone doesn’t contact their ex, who dumped them, it can flip the tables and cause that person to feel as though they were the ones who lost the other person.
When someone does the dumping, they feel in control in that they are choosing to end the relationship with this person. Whereas the person being dumped doesn’t feel they have control of the situation at all but only feel loss.
The no contact rule, however, can flip the tables. The reason for this is because the person dumping the other doesn’t experience a “real breakup” at first. At first, the dumper feels that they could get back together with the other person at any second.
The reason they feel that way is because they assume that since they initiated the breakup, the other person will forever be the one not wanting the breakup. It’s a case of the “have” versus the “have not” and the gut-level feeling on the part of the one who did the dumping is that they could always get back together with the one they dumped if they ever changed their mind.
Most of them assume this until they actually do change their mind. At that point, they often feel quite the opposite and that is especially true if the person they dumped has made no effort to get them back (a.k.a. The No Contact Rule).
The reason they start feeling concerned that they actually couldn’t instantly get the other person back (or possibly not even at all) is because they reflect on the past that shows no effort on the part of the other to get back together with them. Which means, to the dumper, that the other person could not be open to reuniting. The dumper could not have the option of getting them back.
That realization causes the dumper to experience a real breakup because they have to at least feel potential loss instead of control. See my article, “Signs Your Ex Will Eventually Come Back” to learn what it often looks like when an ex experiences a real breakup.
Be sure to watch the video above all the way through as Coach Lee explains much more of the psychology of this in detail.
-Coach Lee