After a breakup, it’s not uncommon to want to reach out to your ex, thinking that a kind word might be the spark to get the two of you back together.
Or you might just tell yourself that you only want to know how your ex is doing and are just checking on them.
As you might have guessed from the title, I’m going to do my best to convince you that you should not text your ex if you want to get back together with him or her.
I encourage you to watch the video above all the way through since I’m able to get more detailed about this topic and mention other things as well.
Should I Text My Ex?
Before I start the list of reasons why I believe, after 20 years of relationship coaching, that you should not text your ex, I want you to ask yourself why you really want to text this person.
Is it because you think it would feel good?
If you haven’t spoken to them since the breakup and you miss them, it’s tempting to think that it would feel good just to communicate with your ex again.
And it might.
Let me emphatically say, however, that the good feeling will be temporary at best if there even is one.
What will most likely happen is one of three things (note: this list of three is not the reasons why you shouldn’t text your ex, but it is a list of three reasons of what might happen if you do).
First, your ex could simply ignore you.
That hurts and, based on having worked with thousands of students I can tell you that most of the time, someone in your shoes who reaches out but is ignored wishes they hadn’t reached out at all.
It’s painful, embarrassing, and confusing.
Second, your ex could respond in anger that you contacted them.
Sometimes an ex doesn’t want to hear from you at all.
That’s especially true if there was a fight or residual anger.
It’s also true if your ex hasn’t gotten far enough into the stages that an ex goes through during no contact.
Not only is that hurtful, but it’s negative interaction that will hurt your goal of getting your ex back.
Third, your ex could make small talk just to be nice, but you would not be any closer to re-attracting them or getting back together with him or her.
And you wouldn’t have gotten anywhere with the small talk either because it’s not serving to re-attract your ex.
As I say a lot, pity and attraction are basically polar opposites.
So now for those three reasons that you shouldn’t text your ex:
3 Reasons You Shouldn’t Text Them
Texting your ex removes the mystery. Mystery and curiosity are precursors to attraction. They can be powerful allies to get your ex thinking about you, wondering about you, and be curious about what you are doing with yourself since they broke up with you. It can even keep them preoccupied with you. See my video on Limerence to learn more about how mystery can be so attractive at the start or restart of relationships. If you text them, even if it’s just small talk, you remove most or all of the mystery you have built up with no contact. Not good.
It will look like chasing. No matter how cool you play it, reaching out to your ex in any form will look like you are chasing them to get them back. The reason that is bad is because it reaffirms your ex’s rationale for breaking up with you. Though there may have been issues that contributed, the reason your ex broke up with you is because emotional attraction fell. For example, in a long-distance relationship, the distance is often cited as the reason for someone breaking up with another. But here is what you must ask yourself — did the distance change? No. It was there at the beginning of the relationship but because the other person was attracted (a.k.a. motivated), they were willing to overcome that obstacle. If attraction falls too much, the distance begins to matter more and can then be a big enough hurdle that someone chooses to end a relationship. If it looks like you are chasing your ex, you reaffirm to them that they are more attractive than you because that’s what they feel after breaking up with you since THEY were the one who broke up with you. So your ex can gain resolve in sticking to the breakup. You certainly don’t want that but that is a risk you are taking if you text your ex. (Watch my video above for more on this)
Texting your ex prevents the fear of loss. If you text out to them, you keep them from having to fear that you could move on. You save them from having to reach the conclusion that they could want you back at some point, but you could not be gotten back. You allow your ex to think that if they ever reach a point when they want you back that you could be easily gotten back. Yuck. And of course, you don’t want to say, “You could lose me you know!” Because that will just look like you are trying to get them back by threatening and it makes you look pathetic - so don’t do that!
Those are reasons why you shouldn’t text your ex if you want to get back together with him or her.
Stay strong. Getting your ex back is a marathon rather than a sprint.
I highly recommend my Emergency Breakup Kit to give you the best chance possible of getting your ex back.
No matter what, I wish you the very best.
-Coach Lee